Tuesday, March 4, 2008
A while back my sister was in a car wreck. No one in my family called an told me about it till almost two weeks later. My mother didn't tell me for fear of some bullshit reason. My grandmother didn't want to upset me and figured I already knew. I called everyone in my family and let them know, they are to let me know when things "go down" in the family. Logically, are they not going to call me when someone dies for fear of upsetting me?
My mother has been married to a controlling man. Well, she was and then married another one after divorcing the previous one. I thank the Lord I share no genetic material with these men. Anyhow, the first one was so unbearable, that as a child I moved to my grandmothers for a few months. It was bad enough that I don't remember most of my childhood. I fear what happens when the things I've repressed come to light. I only had to put up with the new guy for about a year. I barely made it. I couldn't wait to get out of there. He didn't like me because he couldn't control me. I wasn't female. I wasn't smaller than him. In fact, I was twice his size. He's not a big man.
After 4 or 5 years of abuse, my sister had it. She left and is now at my grand-mothers house. My mother never called and told me. I was upset, but I am not now.
I can't be mad at my mother. I really can only pity her. She seeks men that control her. In the end, they make her depressed. My mother sleeps all the time, has been driven into debt (she'd never owed money till he came along), is depressed, medicated, and self medicating with copious amounts of alcohol. It started with wine, and is apparently vodka, by herself, at the house. I was mad at her when I was younger, now I realize how horrible I must have made her feel, she can't help it anymore than a dog can help sniffing another dog's ass.
I however, can be very mad at the man who didn't let my mother visit me for four fucking years, while I lived only 15 minutes away. Who only let my mother visit me once in the past 6 years. This was only after I went on a huge tirade about how much bullshit it was. This is the man who took my mother, who has never been in debt, and put her into debt to the point where she'll have to probably declare bankruptcy.
In the end, my step-father has ruined my family. He's taken my mother away from me, from my sister, from her mother, and everyone in her family. He came in and re-arranged everyone's lives and traditions because of his control freakness.
...and I don't know how to handle it.
